I am coming apart a little at my seams. . .

Since Sunday, certain aspects of my life have fallen a bit apart.

It started on Saturday actually but I didn't know about it then. My dad called me and I didn't pick up because I didn't feel like talking to anyone. It turns out he was calling for an important reason.

My grandfather who has had various forms of cancer for the last 6 years or so landed himself in the hospital because he has fluid on his lungs. Most people assume that I am upset over this because we are close, he was a good grandfather, it's sad, etc. . . but really?

My grandfather was not ideal but he was mysterious, his love for me, my sister, my dad and my mom was always obvious although not the kind of ideal love one hopes for. But he means an awful lot to me despite this. He was mostly not an ideal father to my dad's brothers and sisters. Now, not an ideal grandfather to my cousins. When he finally passes away the proverbial prodigial grandfather/father shit is going to hit the fan.

Why?

An example:
My grandpa lead such a double life that he has been married for 39 years (all of my life, most of my father's) to a woman we've just met. Actually, my uncle discovered their marriage on accident via the ever present, all knowning internet.

I was so excited when two of my besties from high school moved up here but now I feel like it's just all going to complete shit.

We don't even just hang out with each other like I do with everyone else. I threw it out there to open up the lines of communication and one of my besties admitted that she really felt like we are growing apart and that our friendship needs some fixing.

I am really grateful for her honesty but it was hurtful to read it. And now that some time has passed it, I am starting to feel really hurt. Just hurt.

And then the other one has promised me she'll get back to me but I just don't believe her because she promised we start getting lunch together, she's ignored me before when I have asked her to open up, she never really talks to me about anything of importance . . . maybe that relationship is just doomed and I have to come to terms with it.

For some many years my high schools and I bragged about how lucky we are because after all these years the group chemistry is still the same, we are still good friends for better or for worse, we have the best time together, we've overcome living in different cities, parts of the country . . . and maybe we didn't. Maybe all it took was for a couple of us to live in the same city and it falls apart.

Maybe it's just me.

There are a thousand possibilities for reasons of why I feel this way or how it happened and none of them make me feel better.

I'll stitch myself back together- sew the seams together- in a little while. I always do. . .