Online Dating: The Conclusion of Mr. Tests

As I've mentioned before, I'm giving online dating a go via plentyoffish.com.

I had no luck with Mr. Tests despite the numerous text messaging, he only called once and left the shortest message I have ever heard on my voicemail. I didn't call back but instead I texted him and never heard back for weeks. Until one random day, I get a text asking:

"What's up for tonight?"

Ummm. . . he asks this as if we have hung out before. I had deleted him from my phone, so I asked

"Who is this?"

"S_____"

Then I never responded because he wasn't worth my time. I have learned that if a guy really wants to date you and hang out with then he will make the effort. If he doesn't, then he'll like this guy.

Truth be told I wasn't heartbroken by this situation in the slightest but it is a little ridiculous, so I thought I would share :).

Then a couple of weeks back when I went to Boston, I got this text from him:

"I have a fantastic epilogue for you.

<3 mr. tests"

Does he think that this is okay? Or just hoping for a little booty?

An Open Letter to The Bartender

Dear Bartender,

Sometimes I don't really understand you.

We have a great time together. We laugh, joke, relax, flirt. The sex is great and I'm offering it no strings attached. I truly mean no strings attached. You know all of this.

I'm able to say that because I can't see us dating. We don't have a future together.

I need someone very different from you and if we are both honest, neither of us feel strongly about the other.

This is (I've been told at least by guy friends, tv shows, magazines, others I've dated) a guy's dream come true.

So why the hell aren't you always up for it? Or don't respond to my texts for days and weeks. I don't understand.

Since he won't explain, would the internet explain for me?

Thank you,
LiS

Another Winner from PoF

This one just KILLS me, even more than the last one I posted.

I may go to hell for posting these and this may make me a complete bitch but I feel like these guys need to get bitch slapped. No wonder they are single.

Another WINNER's profile:

Hellllooooo. I have resorted to online dating because I am totally over the whole bar thing and wanted to find a way to meet new people. But First, I wanna preface this whole thing by saying that Im only interested in women who are HAPPY with their lives. I love my life and I live a rewarding life that I want to someday share with that special woman.

(I like this part and I can completely understand why someone would put that in their profile)

I've noticed that a lot of women who are on here are totally miserable and think that the solution to all their problems is finding the "Right Guy". If that last sentence describes you, please don't bother continuing. I want someone who enjoys living and goes to bed anxious to start again the next morning.

(I totally agree with this as well. COMPLETELY AGREE. The next part is what KILLS me)

Please be mindful of the following before you respond:

Personality is EVERYTHING. You can be a totally hottie, but if you're boring and live a dull life, it wont work. (This isn't horrible BUT do you think a person knows if they are boring and lead a dull life? This is something you can't know unless you get to know the person)

I go to church on occaision, so I don't see it going far if you have some aversion to organized religion. (Fine)

This is what you're waiting for:

Don't be a Skank....while its a good thing to be sexually progressive and comfortable, the whole world doesn't need to know it...I am looking for a nice girl...something along the lines of "lady on the streets but freak in the sheets"

What the hell is up with the freak in the sheets?!?!? Does every white boy have to quote Ludacris? Can't be more original? And do you honestly think that girls sit around saying, 'Wow I am such a skank!'

I take pride in how I look, so should you. Please dress cute.

If you're going to demand that I look cute- then can I dictate your clothing choices as well??? Isn't this something that you can figure out from their profile pictures?

I freaking took out way too much in student loans for my degree, so naturally I am going to want to have some hardcore intellectual battles with you..It would be to your advantage to have a college education as well.

Well guess what? It's to my advantage to have a college education to impress YOU? How about just saying that it's important you enjoy intellectual conversations? School is not for everyone and it does not mean you are smart.

So to sum it up...hit me up if you are Fun, Smart, Cute, and Cultured.

I consider myself those things but you are not worth my time if you are an arrogant pretentious prick.

Online Dating is Becoming Fascinating . . .

I'm doing a whole lot of work today so far. . . . I blame it wholly on PoF.

If anyone out there needs a free online dating site go there! As I can speak for a single straight girl living in Seattle- some of these guys are even cuter than the ones on Match. I think PoF has a way better selection.

Match=Bad, PoF=good. PoF > Match.

I thought I would share some entertaining online tidbits I've received/read:

This comes from someone emailing me:

"I wont tell you how perfect I am for you.....just a little hello."

Overall, his email was actually pretty charming but he's not really type and that line- who says that? Isn't it up to the other person to figure out how perfect you are for them? It just came off a little presumptious for my taste.

Or maybe I'm just being a bitch.

Now this kind of a posting just kills me:

In your mind ladies, you're probably hoping to see words that describe you. Your lust for me can be our big secret, now let's get your thoughts flowing in a new direction. Enjoy life, enjoy people, enjoy nature, look outside, the sky is so beautiful. You'll find yourself a feeling of happiness. Just remember all those experiences you've had wanting to be someone and you've come over and over again to the same conclusion, you are just you. Think of this, if you create an opening, a thick sense of happiness will penetrate deep within you. That's the way and you know you can do this. Now, for me, I carry happiness wherever I go. I'm a man, I have needs just as you, and you were made to love me (right- how loving each other?). :) Respect is earned..., so if you want to be on a pedestal in life then get on your knees (how about you get on your knees?) and earn respect. Maybe you'll even be lucky enough to get a taste of this (seriously? SERIOUSLY!).......thug passion! (more like sexist passion)

And his tag line is the real winner Need Lady in Streets and Freak in Sheets. I'm sure he sees it as being super honest, okay fine that's what you want, but don't put it as your TAG/OPENING line. Because that's never going to attract a lady.

People never cease to fascinate me. . .

His Nephew's Joke. . .

To my shock, Mr. Tests actually texted me yesterday afternoon.

His nephew's joke as follows:

What kind of bees make milk?

BOO-BEES (say it fast)

Not the best joke but not the worst. His nephew is 13 which is sounds about the right age for this joke, I like the second one better:

What tops starts at the bottom?

Legs!

I asked Mr. Tests if he was ready for a dirty joke he said yes, so this is what he got:

What do KFC and Women have in common?

After you've done with the breast and the thigh, all you have left is a greasy box to stick your bone into.

He responded with:

Omg.

I said:

U said you were ready :)

I'm thinking I won't get my official invite to the Taco Soiree.

But honestly, I love my dirty joke and as girly as I can be, I still like to be a little dirty and have fun. I also can burp pretty loud. Either you like it or not but that's me.

Anyway, I have another one on the line over at Plenty of Fish. . .

Rant: Online Dating and the Guy Who Wants Me to Pass Tests

As I've said before, currently I'm single as can be. In an effort to be open minded and a need to be kept busy, I signed up for a free online dating site, Plenty of Fish.

For the first couple of weeks, it's been the same as when I was on Match - older guys (like much older guys- about at 15 year age difference or so) and not my type/unattractive guys are the ones that continue to email or wink, etc. This time around, I tried to be more active and send a couple of emails- those didn't go anywhere. So, I didn't go online for a couple of weeks and then I was excited when I got an email from Mr. Tests.

It was creative and different, this was his opener:

"After a rigorous brief overview of your profile I wanted to let you know that I have already married and divorced you in my mind. :)

Thanks for all the wonderful memories…you will always have a special place in my heart.

Your ex-hubby,

PS. I am going to need half of your money according to our prenup. :)"

I responded with this:

"Our wedding was truly one of the most beautiful weddings that I've ever been to. The pictures turned out great, there were no embarrassing speeches, the families didn't fight; it was a day that I'll always fondly remember.

Although, my favorite part was our honeymoon in Europe.

With affection- your ex-wife,

P.S. I'll be sending the check for $2.83 (my half that is left over after the costly divorce fees) later this week :)."

So far, so good. I'm laughing and having a whole lot of fun. This is when the "tests" came into play:

"Europe was awesome wasn't it? Wait, do you still have that sexy outfit, the one you wore with the heels? :)

That reminds me, OMG I just read this today in a girlie magazine. Would you rather…have an amazing singing voice but never be famous, or be famous with a crappy voice, and that’s what you were famous for?

be invisible, or be able to fly?

have one year of amazing, toe-curling, neighbor-calling-911 sex and the next year of no sex, or would you rather have two years of so-so sex?

Good luck :)"

I still liked where our conversations are going but I am getting a bit wary. After I responded, he sent this (confirming that those questions were did a test):

"you passed...barely. JK :) I actually picked 1 year of mind-blowing,toe curling, 911-calling sex because you do that the first year and the second year you can just use your hand and great memories. ;)

Flight because the freedom would be awesome. Invisibily, I dunno. I just dont have trust issues. :)

I'm going to say read minds, Fiji and Making it All Work by David Allen

The real question is do you like Lost and tacos and good
company?"

I'm thinking that is going well and progressing- he may ACTUALLY ask me out on a date and then I get this in my inbox this morning:

"you passed the test...barely :) j/k you are a quite clever. I like that. Well you scored an invite to come to my Taco Soiree. We have so much fun! Shoot me over your # and I’ll txt you the details. Plus you get these bonuses:a new joke my
nephew taught me today and we get to become txt buddies :)wow how lucky are you?!?!? "

Not only, have I had to pass "tests" but now I'm going to be lucky that he texts me. . . I hope this is a sarcastic use of the word.

The kicker is that I have a feeling the Taco Soiree will be with a bunch of his friends (I love meeting the friends but AFTER I've met you), another test. . .

Despite those reservations, I did give out my digits.

I'll let you know what his nephew's joke is.